New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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