Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
