It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
