for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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