apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize