My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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