I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
