nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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