The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
