Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
