we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
