he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
