I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
