My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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