My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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