I smell stomach acid.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize