I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize