either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
