Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
