In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Actions speak louder than pants.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
