why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
