$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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