I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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