Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
