Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
