ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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