Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
