Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
