so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
