I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
