I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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