I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
