I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
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I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
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You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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