I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Randomize
