i think i have two assholes
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
