i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
accomplished twins. life is a go
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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