Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
