do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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