if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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