I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
