WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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