whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
