dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
