We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
