i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
