I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
3 2 1 whiskey
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
