I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
