The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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