We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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