How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
