Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
