he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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