apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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