A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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