yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
