I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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