Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
