Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
