The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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