I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
