I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
