what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
