The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
