Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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